My Heart Tested

How am I supposed to stop crying? I mean what exactly do I tell myself to make these tears stop? What is the magic combination of words that will take away the deepest pain I have ever felt? 

There is only one person in this entire world I will do anything for.

I will do anything....

I will even feel the worst pain imaginable if it means he is happy.

MY joy.....MY heart...MY smile...MY pride....My only real purpose...MY SON!


Every stage of my life has been an adaptation. I have been thrown every nasty thing this world has to test ones inner strength, and I have adapted like a true champ and rose above it all. Some obstacles were easier than others but the result was always the same. I ADAPT!  That's what I do! I feel the pain. I feel the anger, but in the end I SEE THE LESSON! I push on to prove those who try to hold me down wrong, but that is a side effect really of proving I am right! I make it no matter what. 

So here is that question that so many of us ask ourselves. When is it enough? When am I allowed to breathe easy and see all of the deeply painful lessons of my life give me the reward? The reward of not fearing the next test. The reward of not fearing the next punch to the face. The reward of living in peace. The reward of living instead of adapting. When does that part of life start for me? How many lessons could there possibly be? I have had 35 years of them. I have earned that damn reward!!! 

I will accept this challenge and I am certain that I will rise above it. I will learn to accept the fact that my son is going to live with his father 1,300 miles away. I will accept it because my son loves us both equally and i will not try to discourage his decision. If I were to do that it would be 100% selfish and I am not made that way. I will accept the fact that I am going to miss my best friend. I will search for the lesson in all this and i will find it.   

This is the perfect example of true love! I love that boy with every single bit of me. I glow inside and out with just the thought of him. I know that what he wants to try is normal and it doesn't mean he loves me less, but only that he misses his dad and what he considers home to be. Do you have any idea how hard it is to really swallow this pain? To try your best to convince your son that what he would like to try is okay through crying so hard you cant breathe, and every other part of your heart is screaming NO! I love him. I want to always think of him first before me even if it means my heart must suffer. I don't want to miss anything in his life. Everything I do or have done since the day I found out he called my tummy home is for him. He is my buddy....I am so lost! I really have no clue today how to stop these tears. I will though...

But for now I am allowing myself to feel broken, lost, confused, and w/out purpose. I will have to start adapting another day...